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Elin Should Have Just Asked for a Whole Billion (by J. Tinsley)

Posted by Mr. Put On on May 25, 2010

A few weeks ago, Jim Carrey was criticized for saying Tiger’s wife Elin was a “willing participant” in their whole messy situation. I’ve been thinking the same thing–the idea that Elin had to know–for some time now. She probably didn’t know the entire gist of what was going on while Tiger was in the “sand traps,” I’ll admit that. Still, believing she was completely oblivious to Eldrick’s “transgressions” is crazy. Downright stupid, even.

It just doesn’t work like that. The media can paint a picture that Elin is grieving because I’m sure she is. Tiger f#cked up. End of story. Homie supposedly slept with 121 women in their five years of marriage. Make note that said list reportedly should include the neighbors’ daughter. There’s no coming back from that. I could care less about the details, however. LC said it best, the moment I turn to Tiger for moral advice is when I turn to the church to help me with my jump shot. Everyone can’t be the answer for everything.

Now, Tiger’s missing cuts and looking essentially human on a golf course. That’s when this whole circus begins the affect me. With the latest revelations revolving around a $750M divorce settlement, I’m surprised dude hasn’t already turned to the pipe. Or at least started dating Chili. Around here, Kelis was known as the poster child for vindictive ex-wives. Keyword: was. Elin is demanding $750M. As in 750 followed by six zeros. As in 75% of Tiger’s alleged billion dollar brand. As in you have to be kidding me. Gawker took the liberty to put these numbers in perspective.

* $750 million ÷ 121 alleged mistresses = $6.19 million/mistress

* $750 million ÷ 3,921 tears Elin cried in the course of the scandal (estimated) = $191,277/tear

* $750 million ÷ 2 Woods children whose lives have been ruined = $375 million/tiny ruined life

* $750 million ÷ 5 billion words written about the scandal = $0.15/word

* Ratio of Elin’s payout to the amount of currency printed in the U.S. in one day: 1:1

* Amount Elin would have left over after paying for the construction of Hoover Dam: $14 million

The chances of Elin getting the entire $750M are slim, but this puts an entirely new perspective on the phrase “aiming high.” Tiger’s also demanding a confidentiality clause to the divorce which would prohibit Elin from writing books, appearing on TV or basically speaking about their marriage at anytime. But she didn’t know about the infidelity? Right. Miss me with that.

$750M, huh? Pending no one dies and/or becomes infected with an incurable ailment, there’s not that much misery in the world. For an amount that exorbitant, Tiger was probably letting every last jumpoff (because that’s what they were) wear his green jackets on some “I-know-I’m-going-to-eventually-get-caught-but-I’m-going-out-in-a-blaze-of-glory” type thinking while smashing.

At this point, not much else about the situation would be surprising.

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